"No, it's not that. And yeah, we're talkin'. I just..."
How do you explain it without explaining it? He rubs his face for a moment, growing silent again.
With as many people as saw the memory, there's no point in keeping it a secret. But God, he doesn't want to lose Carter's trust either, but word will get out. Maybe it's better coming from him.
"I'm not a good person," Eliot starts, not looking at him. "I started out in the Army wantin' to...change the world. Be somebody, make a difference. But things started gettin' muddy. Things that were bad didn't seem so bad anymore. By the time I got out the service I was...lost. I guess that's the best way to put it. I'd been doin' jobs that were way over the line and I got good at it."
You see what he's gettin' at here? Eliot trails off before continuing.
"I did a lot of contract jobs. Got my hands dirty. Or well, dirtier. And then I met a man and worked for him for a long time." He shakes his head. "I did terrible things for him and finally I couldn't take it anymore so I left. I eventually met Hardison, and Parker, and--and other people and I made a different life for myself. Helpin' people instead of hurtin' 'em. But we had a job, got blackmailed, really, and the man I worked for? We crossed paths again. Had to meet him to get to what we needed from him, we were tryin' to bring him down but I..."
It takes him a moment to sort through the feelings to get to the words. He shouldn't be telling Carter this but Carter is listening and maybe that's what he needs, someone to just listen.
"...I had to bring Hardison. I wish I didn't have to bring Hardison." Couldn't allow himself to be left alone with Moreau.
"He got handcuffed to a chair and kicked in this pool and almost drowned while he was testin' me, my loyalty, to see if Hardison meant anythin' to me. And I didn't tell Hardison a damn thing about what we were walkin' into that day. He survived, but he was--"
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How do you explain it without explaining it? He rubs his face for a moment, growing silent again.
With as many people as saw the memory, there's no point in keeping it a secret. But God, he doesn't want to lose Carter's trust either, but word will get out. Maybe it's better coming from him.
"I'm not a good person," Eliot starts, not looking at him. "I started out in the Army wantin' to...change the world. Be somebody, make a difference. But things started gettin' muddy. Things that were bad didn't seem so bad anymore. By the time I got out the service I was...lost. I guess that's the best way to put it. I'd been doin' jobs that were way over the line and I got good at it."
You see what he's gettin' at here? Eliot trails off before continuing.
"I did a lot of contract jobs. Got my hands dirty. Or well, dirtier. And then I met a man and worked for him for a long time." He shakes his head. "I did terrible things for him and finally I couldn't take it anymore so I left. I eventually met Hardison, and Parker, and--and other people and I made a different life for myself. Helpin' people instead of hurtin' 'em. But we had a job, got blackmailed, really, and the man I worked for? We crossed paths again. Had to meet him to get to what we needed from him, we were tryin' to bring him down but I..."
It takes him a moment to sort through the feelings to get to the words. He shouldn't be telling Carter this but Carter is listening and maybe that's what he needs, someone to just listen.
"...I had to bring Hardison. I wish I didn't have to bring Hardison." Couldn't allow himself to be left alone with Moreau.
"He got handcuffed to a chair and kicked in this pool and almost drowned while he was testin' me, my loyalty, to see if Hardison meant anythin' to me. And I didn't tell Hardison a damn thing about what we were walkin' into that day. He survived, but he was--"
He was so scared.
Eliot sighs.
"...he had to see all that again with my memory."