Neal looks at Malcolm in surprise. He hadn't thought of it that way. He'd been focused on her side of it, her struggle, her loneliness. And isn't that was dragged him under in the first place? Focusing so much on what she needed that he forgot what he did.
He stays quiet for a little while, listening to the storm, listening to the water spattering down through the ceiling.
"I wanted to help her. From the day we met in the Gull, when she told me about her powers, what was wrong, when the earthquakes kept hurting her. I just... kept wanting to help her. Every time I made her happy, it was like being here was worth it for a little while."
Another silence, though he's not done sorting his way through his thoughts, not yet. Malcolm knows him well enough by now to know when he's trying to figure out how to put something.
"I was never going to be able to do it," he finally says, very quietly. "She's in too deep. She's in so deep that every time someone around her gets hurt, she makes it... hers. The pain of it. Someone else's... trauma, someone else's pain, it's just another way to be disappointed in herself and them." A pause. "Me. Disappointed in me. Every time I did something reckless, every time I got hurt, she acted like I was doing it to make her suffer. There were times, definitely, where she was there for me. In that other Mathias, the first time I died. When I came back, after I... disappeared."
He shakes his head. "But that night, after we went to the library... And when she found out I got caught in the fire in that other place. When I kept wanting to go places that I knew were dangerous, when I couldn't stop myself, and I felt like I was going crazy... When I drowned."
Another silence. "I was stupid," he says softly. "The last time I died, I was stupid. But nothing I did was because I wanted to hurt her. The longer I was with her the more I felt guilty for every bad thing I went through."
He half-smiles in Malcolm's direction. "You questioned it, right at the beginning, me and her, then her and Bucky. I guess I should have listened to the profiler."
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He stays quiet for a little while, listening to the storm, listening to the water spattering down through the ceiling.
"I wanted to help her. From the day we met in the Gull, when she told me about her powers, what was wrong, when the earthquakes kept hurting her. I just... kept wanting to help her. Every time I made her happy, it was like being here was worth it for a little while."
Another silence, though he's not done sorting his way through his thoughts, not yet. Malcolm knows him well enough by now to know when he's trying to figure out how to put something.
"I was never going to be able to do it," he finally says, very quietly. "She's in too deep. She's in so deep that every time someone around her gets hurt, she makes it... hers. The pain of it. Someone else's... trauma, someone else's pain, it's just another way to be disappointed in herself and them." A pause. "Me. Disappointed in me. Every time I did something reckless, every time I got hurt, she acted like I was doing it to make her suffer. There were times, definitely, where she was there for me. In that other Mathias, the first time I died. When I came back, after I... disappeared."
He shakes his head. "But that night, after we went to the library... And when she found out I got caught in the fire in that other place. When I kept wanting to go places that I knew were dangerous, when I couldn't stop myself, and I felt like I was going crazy... When I drowned."
Another silence. "I was stupid," he says softly. "The last time I died, I was stupid. But nothing I did was because I wanted to hurt her. The longer I was with her the more I felt guilty for every bad thing I went through."
He half-smiles in Malcolm's direction. "You questioned it, right at the beginning, me and her, then her and Bucky. I guess I should have listened to the profiler."