"I mean- I don't get blackout drunk any more. It's... not like I used to be." He doesn't want to go backwards down that road, anyway. "A lot happened, really fast back home, and... I had to- sober up. Grow up. I might drink sometimes, but I don't think I'll ever guzzle a countless number of drinks like I used to. And the drugs-" he shakes his head. "They were worse than the booze, I'm finally free of that."
A beat and he relents. "Well, physically, at least. I know the temptation will always be there. I just have to watch myself, you know? I allow myself certain things-- booze, weed-- and nothing beyond that, because if I go over those lines, I know I won't come back, you know? And-- I know that's not how they do it in NA, but... I can handle it. I have, for three years. I actually only started drinking again like... three days before I showed up here."
He knows some of everything he's saying just screams addict who hasn't given up, and in some ways he hasn't, but he's tried going cold turkey clean and it never works, never sticks, and he's learned how to handle himself over the last few years. It may be hard to believe that he could still indulge and not fall face-first back into a mountain of coke or something else just as drastic, but his tactics work for him, even if they don't line up with the way every professional would tell anyone how to handle their addictions.
But to circle back to the actual question? "I dunno... I guess the answer to your question is...I'd just deal with it. Get in the moment, handle what I could, pass off what I couldn't? And if someone got hurt because of me..." His eyes drop to the table top, and he squeezes his eyes shut tight against memories of Dave, of screaming for a medic. His voice drops to a low whisper. "I'd never get over it."
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A beat and he relents. "Well, physically, at least. I know the temptation will always be there. I just have to watch myself, you know? I allow myself certain things-- booze, weed-- and nothing beyond that, because if I go over those lines, I know I won't come back, you know? And-- I know that's not how they do it in NA, but... I can handle it. I have, for three years. I actually only started drinking again like... three days before I showed up here."
He knows some of everything he's saying just screams addict who hasn't given up, and in some ways he hasn't, but he's tried going cold turkey clean and it never works, never sticks, and he's learned how to handle himself over the last few years. It may be hard to believe that he could still indulge and not fall face-first back into a mountain of coke or something else just as drastic, but his tactics work for him, even if they don't line up with the way every professional would tell anyone how to handle their addictions.
But to circle back to the actual question? "I dunno... I guess the answer to your question is...I'd just deal with it. Get in the moment, handle what I could, pass off what I couldn't? And if someone got hurt because of me..." His eyes drop to the table top, and he squeezes his eyes shut tight against memories of Dave, of screaming for a medic. His voice drops to a low whisper. "I'd never get over it."